I Want To Love You
By 1998, it was clearer than ever to me how much my marriage was like an image of my relationship with God. I was frustrated by Julie's lack of communication and half-heartedness in many aspects of the marriage. And I had the feeling that God was frustrated by my lack of communication with him, and my half-heartedness. In fact, the more I looked at my marriage to Julie, the more I saw that it was like my relationship with God.
I was very aware of the passage in the scriptures from the book of Revelation, where God says of the people from Laodicea, "I wish that you were either hot or cold, but since you're lukewarm you make me want to spew."
I desperately wanted to change, to be "on fire" for God, but didn't know what to do. I wanted to pray more, but didn't know how to focus my mind. I just wanted to be right with God, but didn't know how to make it happen.
I Want To Love You
I would not be like Peter
and call you a friend,
and say that I'll stand by you
until the very end,
only to deny you,
no, that would not be me.
To behave like that,
would be a great hypocrisy.
Now I am at work
with an important client there.
He freely swears and curses
the things 'bout which you care.
I cannot speak up now, Lord,
although I don't agree.
It's just that speaking for you now
would embarrass me.
Later with my colleagues
they laugh at what I believe,
call it obsolete, so narrow,
think we are deceived.
I want to be bold for you,
argue with all my might.
But instead I keep my mouth shut
in case the words don't come out right.
At night I'll have a chance
to spread the love of God around:
loving words for my wife
and ways to love her will abound.
But arguments and fights
seem the order of the day.
Why do I feel so bitter,
when I don't get my own way?
Oh Lord, please do not love me
the way that I love her.
And Lord, when I deny you,
please don't leave me there.
Come in, Holy Spirit,
make be bold, in love with you.
so that your love flows out of me
into everything I do.
Andrew Host, April 1998.
These poems (and everything else on this web site) are subject to copyright. They are for personal use only. They may not be copied in any way or stored in any form except as a temporary means to view them. They may not be publicly performed or broadcast. For any use contrary to these directions, please contact Andrew Host