Grief Again

I've taken over Ros's computer desk and her computer monitor. So now I have a nice outlook and two computer monitors. Her computer chair is also better than mine.

All of Ros's clothes have been donated to charity. Well, nearly all. A few special items of clothing had to be kept. In the same way that photos can take you back to a previous time, an article of clothing can allow me to remember how very contented I once was.

Some evenings I keep working. There's no reason to stop. There's no one downstairs who would miss my presence. Only the cat, and she’s sound asleep on the red cushion. It doesn't matter if I go to bed at one in the morning and wake at nine. It doesn't matter when I eat any of my meals, or in fact if I skip some meals.

I listen to music more than I used to, that is when I'm downstairs and not working upstairs. I don't think I listen too loudly, but it was usually too loud for Ros. So previously I preferred to have no music rather than music I could barely hear.

The toilet seat stays up most of the time. Ros liked the toilet seat to be closed. I never minded the tiny amount of extra effort at the commencement and at the end of going to the toilet, but now that it's only me here, why bother to close the lid, unless there are visitors here?

There's only one bath towel hanging in the bathroom. There should be two. As if I needed to be further reminded of my loneliness, the single towel hanging in the bathroom screams at me every time I enter, this is not temporary - you are really alone.

I'm not cooking much for myself. I've been sometimes making meals for my father and have often been invited to eat at the homes of friends and family.

There's no one to touch. No one to touch me. The one thing that made me feel loved, the one way that I could best express my love, is gone. Even family and friends who love me in the “phileo” way, cannot fulfil the way I need to love and be loved.

The honeymoon is over. We both agreed that the honeymoon would end only when one of us wanted it to end - and neither of us did. Some say that it's not possible for romance to continue for years and years. Yes, it can - and it did.

That was one of our wedding vows. I think we kept that one. I think we kept all of them. Neither of us actually wanted the honeymoon to end - but end it did.

I used to look forward to going to bed. I now hate going to bed, and although I dread waking up alone, I do - every day.