Grief Again

In mid-January, my world collapsed.

The "Romance of the Century" was over.

I've written in my personal journal in great detail about how incredibly wonderful that loving romantic relationship was, and I've also written about exactly what went wrong. But it is not my place to tell that story publicly for it involves another person for whom I wish only a happy future, and I certainly do not want her to experience embarrassment.

Suffice to say that my world of bliss was gone in an instant and I was plunged into the depths of depression.

At first I was just numb - in a daze. But after a while, numbness wore off and deep depression took over. This relationship was my healing. She was everything I ever dreamed of having, and I was led to believe that I was everything she'd ever hoped for, and more.

Four weeks later, I did everything in my power to restore the relationship, but it was made very clear to me that there was no way that the relationship could be restored.

I often use metaphors to explain what I'm thinking, and the metaphor that came to mind was that it was as if I'd been struck by lightning. At the beginning of March, I wrote this:

 
I could see the dark clouds looming,
but clouds have come and gone before.
Then, with no warning a bolt of lightning strikes me and I am knocked clean off my feet.
I'm not feeling pain. I'm barely able to breathe, but mostly I'm numb.

Dying would be preferable to what’s coming.

The numbness wears off and the burns cause intolerable pain.
All the lotions and medications in the world barely take the edge off the pain.
The burns won't heal. Blisters lead to blisters, and the burns just won't heal.
The pain is there all the time.

I didn't do anything to provoke this.
The hideous burns scar me for life.
I will never be the same again.
 

I've never been struck by lightning.

I didn't even do any research to discover what it's actually like to be struck by lightning.

But this is simply my metaphor for having been in a blissful state of love, and then have that love rejected, without any provocation, without having done anything wrong.

As per previously, time does not heal.

Every thing I do, everywhere I go, reminds me of her. There is not one minute of the day that I can be free of thinking about her. I simply don't know how to fall out of love.

I left my church to go to her church, but of course, now I'm not going to her church. Of course, my church would welcome me back with open arms, but somehow it didn't feel right to return. After not going to church for a little over a month, I have begun going to a different church.

Healing for me will start with a new relationship. With that as an aim, I've attempted Internet dating.

This puts me so far outside my comfort zone. It is the first date that I struggle with so much.

So far, since beginning Internet dating, I have had three first dates, two second dates, and one third date. And while each person has been nice in their own way, none of these come close to what I had in the last three months of last year.

Another Death

In mid-February, I had to deal with additional grief with the death of my father at the age of 92.

His health had been in decline for a few years, but there was a sudden decline in October and matters were getting steadily worse.

So there was a mixture of emotions - relief that he did not have to suffer any longer, but intense sadness at his passing.

Another Milestone

Two days ago was the thirty-fifth wedding anniversary of Julie and me. It should have been a celebration, but alas, it was yet another hurdle to get over.

It seems that life is set up to constantly remind me of what I've lost. Later this month we'll have Roslyn's birthday. Next month will be the anniversary of her death. In May comes Mothers' Day where instead of celebration, we get to lament the loss of two mothers.

The grieving for the loss of my recent love, and the grieving for the loss of my Dad, don't take away or distract from my grieving for Ros or for Julie. All these are just piled on until I can no longer think clearly or rationally.

Sadly, I am currently feeling no hope for a happy future.