Six months. As much as I try to get on with life and keep myself distracted, I can't overcome these milestones. Yesterday, I did my best at work, but found that I was struggling to concentrate on the tasks at hand.
I want to move on, but today I can think about little else than my self-pity. I hate feeling this way, but I seem powerless to defeat it.
I've been browsing one of the Internet dating web sites, RSVP. I feel a bit embarrassed about even contemplating using such a service. But at this stage, I don't have the courage to participate, and hope that something happens soon enough to make the prospect unnecessary. I've also heard some horror stories about some who have used the service. Nonetheless, it's interesting to browse.
By way of explanation, on RSVP, people looking for relationships submit information about who they are and the type of person they're looking for. Sometimes a photo is included. Various information is submitted, such as age, height, build, hair colour, eye colour, religion, nationality, marital status, whether they have or want children, and political stance.
Hereís a typical profile:
Sydney - City, New South Wales
Female, 39 years old, 5í5"/165 cm
Body type: Athletic
Eye colour: Blue
Hair colour: Light Brown
Smoking habits: Donít smoke
Drinking habits: Non-drinker
Relationship status: Single
Have children: No, have no children
Want children: Donít want any (more) of my own but yours are fine
Ethnic/cultural background: North European
Religion: Other Christian
Occupation industry: Consulting
Occupation level: Professional
Education level: Degree
Political persuasion: Swinging voter
Diet: No special diet
Personality type: Average
Have Pets: Yes, have pets
Sign of the Zodiac: Cancer
Then thereís a section for listing favourite music, books, movies and sports.
And that's usually followed by a paragraph or several written about the type of person they are and what they're wanting from a partner.
Even though I don't have the courage to participate on the Web site (nor the time and energy required if it were to be successful), I decided to write a few paragraphs as if I was submitting it for a dating web site. This is what I'd write:
I was faithfully married for nineteen and a half years before my wife suddenly died. I have great capacity to love, and am very affectionate, caring and compassionate. Family life is important to me - immediate and extended family. My Christian faith is also very important to me, and I regularly attend church.
I know how to cook, and how to use a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner.
I care more for your happiness than my own. If you are able to feel the same way about me, then I think a relationship can work. Is that aiming too high?
I need someone who is affectionate and considerate, who eagerly desires intimacy, but agrees with me that sexual intimacy is reserved for life-long relationships.
In the early part of the relationship, you would want to spend a lot of time talking, walking, picnicking, getting to know each other (and each otherís families and friends).
If we find each other suitable for a life-long partnership,
Most things are negotiable. After all, relationships are about compromise.
You would need to be a committed Christian. On that point, I cannot compromise.
Way back in January, in the first chapter of this essay, I wrote that I was under no delusions about finding another Julie. Yet as I re-read what I just wrote, the description of my ideal woman is essentially what Julie was. Some of the points I wrote were what I wanted Julie to be but for various reasons she couldn't be. But essentially, what I've written above is what Julie was.
There must be someone out there who thinks like I do.
People keep saying that time will help. Well six months obviously isn't long enough.
Music used under license from Freeplay Music, LLC, 1650 Broadway, Ste. 1108, New York, NY 10019 USA - freeplaymusic.com