My Grief

Six months. As much as I try to get on with life and keep myself distracted, I can't overcome these milestones. Yesterday, I did my best at work, but found that I was struggling to concentrate on the tasks at hand.

I want to move on, but today I can think about little else than my self-pity. I hate feeling this way, but I seem powerless to defeat it.

I've been browsing one of the Internet dating web sites, RSVP. I feel a bit embarrassed about even contemplating using such a service. But at this stage, I don't have the courage to participate, and hope that something happens soon enough to make the prospect unnecessary. I've also heard some horror stories about some who have used the service. Nonetheless, it's interesting to browse.

By way of explanation, on RSVP, people looking for relationships submit information about who they are and the type of person they're looking for. Sometimes a photo is included. Various information is submitted, such as age, height, build, hair colour, eye colour, religion, nationality, marital status, whether they have or want children, and political stance.

Here’s a typical profile:

Sydney - City, New South Wales
Female, 39 years old, 5’5"/165 cm
Body type: Athletic
Eye colour: Blue
Hair colour: Light Brown
Smoking habits: Don’t smoke
Drinking habits: Non-drinker
Relationship status: Single
Have children: No, have no children
Want children: Don’t want any (more) of my own but yours are fine
Nationality: AUSTRALIA
Ethnic/cultural background: North European
Religion: Other Christian
Occupation industry: Consulting
Occupation level: Professional
Education level: Degree
Political persuasion: Swinging voter
Diet: No special diet
Personality type: Average
Have Pets: Yes, have pets
Sign of the Zodiac: Cancer

Then there’s a section for listing favourite music, books, movies and sports.

And that's usually followed by a paragraph or several written about the type of person they are and what they're wanting from a partner.

Even though I don't have the courage to participate on the Web site (nor the time and energy required if it were to be successful), I decided to write a few paragraphs as if I was submitting it for a dating web site. This is what I'd write:

Who am I?

I was faithfully married for nineteen and a half years before my wife suddenly died. I have great capacity to love, and am very affectionate, caring and compassionate. Family life is important to me - immediate and extended family. My Christian faith is also very important to me, and I regularly attend church.

I know how to cook, and how to use a washing machine and a vacuum cleaner.

I care more for your happiness than my own. If you are able to feel the same way about me, then I think a relationship can work. Is that aiming too high?

Who do I want to be with?

I need someone who is affectionate and considerate, who eagerly desires intimacy, but agrees with me that sexual intimacy is reserved for life-long relationships.

In the early part of the relationship, you would want to spend a lot of time talking, walking, picnicking, getting to know each other (and each other’s families and friends).

If we find each other suitable for a life-long partnership,

You would like to continue talking, walking, picnicking, getting to know each other even better.
You would like our greeting to be a hug and kiss rather than just a “Hello”.
If we were walking somewhere together, you would want to hold my hand rather than walk alone.
If we were sitting together, you would rather sit close than “have your space.”
You would be in the relationship not for what you can get out of it, but for what you can do for me (for I would be in the relationship, not for what I can get out of it but for what I can do for you).
You would not keep secrets, but would share your inner thoughts with me (and I would not keep secrets, but would share my inner thoughts with you).
You would not ridicule me because you disagree with me or because of my naivety or ignorance (and I would never ridicule you because I disagree with you or because of your naivety or ignorance).
You would look for ways to build my self-esteem (and I would look for ways to build your self-esteem).
You would agree that romance, politeness, attraction, passion, affection and consideration would not cease just because the honeymoon is over. In fact there is no reason why any of these things ever need to stop, no matter how old we become.
When I fail in any of these ideals (which I inevitably will because I am only human), you would forgive me when I apologise (and I would forgive you when you fail and apologise).
You would agree that bitterness is like a cancer that has no redeeming features and can have no place in our relationship.

Most things are negotiable. After all, relationships are about compromise.

You would need to be a committed Christian. On that point, I cannot compromise.

Way back in January, in the first chapter of this essay, I wrote that I was under no delusions about finding another Julie. Yet as I re-read what I just wrote, the description of my ideal woman is essentially what Julie was. Some of the points I wrote were what I wanted Julie to be but for various reasons she couldn't be. But essentially, what I've written above is what Julie was.

There must be someone out there who thinks like I do.

People keep saying that time will help. Well six months obviously isn't long enough.

Music used under license from Freeplay Music, LLC, 1650 Broadway, Ste. 1108, New York, NY 10019 USA - freeplaymusic.com

My Grief

Part 10 - Who am I and who do I want to be with?

Wednesday, 3rd May 2006

Who am I?

Who do I want to be with?