My Grief

My needs are definitely cyclical. I can go for several days with the lack of sex and affection not bothering me too much, and then suddenly, for no reason that is apparent to me, the need for sex and affection becomes all consuming.

When I say “not bothering me too much”, I don't mean that the need ever goes away. Life is like a stomach-ache. Even if I am busy with work, or watching television, I am constantly aware of my “stomach-ache”. Sometimes the ache is just a dull, annoying pain, but at other times the cramping is so severe that I can think of little else.

There's a pop song playing on the radio regularly which has opening lyrics that I can relate to:

After that, the song degenerates and becomes a bit rude and becomes less relevant to me. But I am so sick of feeling the way I feel.

Sometimes, I want to be in a relationship more than anything, and yet at other times I wonder how I would ever have enough energy to give to the relationship what would be needed to make it work. Also, there is a certain freedom in being able to decide for myself what I will do, where I'll go, what I'll eat, and when I'll go to bed.

But the daily touch of a woman, one who needs and wants me as much as I need and want her, is worth everything. I would sacrifice all my freedoms to have that. I want to be someone else's “dream come true”. I need to be that person.

A little over a week ago, I woke up with a poem in my head. Unfortunately, I remained in bed and drifted in and out of sleep for another hour. By the time I rose, some of what I'd thought of had gone. But part of it remained:

Often, when I am doing housework, such as putting clothes on the line, or ironing clothes, I want to show Julie how well I'm coping, knowing that if she knew that she'd be pleased. I know she has better things to do and think about while she's in the Lord's presence, but I can't make that feeling go away.

I've been watching more videos that include Julie. It is a bitter-sweet experience. It's like going to see a movie that you know is going to make you cry (which I've done often). And even though you cry during the movie, you come out saying that you enjoyed the movie. The same thing happens with music. I can listen to songs that I know will make me cry, and yet I still like to listen to those songs. And although watching a video of Julie will upset me, I still want to see her and especially hear her.

At Grandma’s today, one of the videos we watched was of our Kanangra Walls bushwalk. Julie didn't accompany Daniel and me on the walk, but I had the video rolling as we met up with her after the walk. Daniel and I raced each other for the last hundred metres or so to see who would be the first to touch her (a game we often played). I made it first on that occasion, and although the camera was pointing at Daniel as I reached Julie, I could very distinctly hear a nice big smoochy kiss from Julie as my welcome. I miss her kiss very much, and found that part of the video particularly difficult.