Like a tropical cyclone, in which the approach of the storm wreaks havoc and the centre of the storm is actually calm, I am feeling strangely peaceful today, after several days of depression. I have shed many tears over the last few days. As much as I want to put my marriage behind me and move on, days like today make that impossible.
My twentieth wedding anniversary was for many years something I was dreading. I wondered how I was going to publicly celebrate something that privately was so frustrating and, at times, unpleasant.
But after months of marriage counselling, and after Julie's healing a month before her death, I was truly looking forward to the celebration of our twentieth wedding anniversary.
Well the day has come, and of course, there is no celebration. There is only intense sadness and loneliness. Right now, at half past nine on the morning of the anniversary, my emotions resemble this morningís weather - grey clouds covering the whole sky, and a constant drizzle, dampening everything.
After rain, there's a certain freshness in the air. Perhaps I can hope for the same for me. More likely, the eye of the storm will move on and the destructive high winds and rain will continue. I can't predict it.
Today, another hurdle is jumped. In each of the next few months another trial will come. During April, we will need to endure Julieís birthday. In May, Mothers' Day will no doubt make life difficult for Daniel. Then in June it will be Danielís birthday, and in July, my own birthday.
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