My Grief

We survived Julie's birthday yesterday. It didn't feel the same as the anniversary. I'd been predicting that it wouldn't affect me as badly as the anniversary did, and I was right. However, it still forced me to focus more than usual on my loss and what I loved about Julie.

The anniversary felt like a Category Five cyclone. When the cyclone is Category Five, it doesn't matter how prepared the victims are, the cyclone will do damage. Julie’s birthday felt like a Category Three cyclone, possibly downgraded to Category Two. In other words, it was nowhere near as damaging as the anniversary was.

A former colleague of mine who I haven't seen for about four years, dropped into the office for a visit. She hadn't heard about Julie. It was odd having to tell the story all over again.

Since the anniversary, I've been on a date. There’s a woman at Church (the only one who's approximately my age and unattached) who's been hinting that she'd like to go out with me.

I've discovered that twenty-five years has done nothing to make the dating process easier. It took me a week to gather up the courage to even ask her. Then that night, I dreamt about her (in a rather intense way). I felt extremely nervous on the day, and although the evening seemed to go well, I don't think I want the relationship to deepen. How could it anyway? This date was possible only because Daniel was away on a school camp. It will be considerably more difficult to go on a date with Daniel around - not impossible, but difficult.

I'm still afraid of becoming so desperate for affection that I would form a relationship with someone who may not be entirely suitable.